Ellie’s Unofficial #gutgaa Small Press Query H0p Submission

To sign up for the hop go to Ellie Blogs, Hops & Writes 2, my blogger site. 🙂

Okay, I’ve had a fellow writer help me totally rework my query for Warder. Let me say it needed it! But now I’m worried it’s too generic.

This draft is current as of 9:30 pm eastern time,  on Sunday, September 23.

PNR, 108k

Current query:
At twenty-eight, Mona Kubrek finally fits in when she’s chosen to be Warder, a job where she helps keep magic hidden from the human world and mortals safe from those who work it. The position highlights her skills, or lack there of, as only elves that can’t create their own spells but can manipulate others’ magic are picked for the task. Life is pretty good… until she accidently springs, then evades, a death trap. Now she’s dodging spellbound-shifters intent on finding her and dealing with her body’s reaction to the half-elf shifter investigating the destruction left in the wake of the shifters’ pursuit.

Cart Dupree wants only to find the culprit behind the recent bridge collapse, do his job, and get back to his pack. From the start of the investigation, Mona dogs his steps. She’s reckless, especially when she puts herself and other lives in danger by jumping in feet first without a thought to her safety. But’s not her actions which get shifters killed, it’s the madman who sends them after her and spells them to get Mona or die.

Tacitly agreeing to ignore their mutual attraction, Mona and Cart band together to solve the case. The only information they have about the magic user who’s sending the shifters after Mona and thus decimating the local Were pack, are cryptic messages from a mythical being. As each successive attempt to kill the pair comes closer to succeeding, and the death toll for shifters rises, the two race to decipher the clues before they become the next victims.

Previous version:
At twenty-eight, Elfen Mona Kubrek is finally fitting in when she’s chosen to be Warder, a job committed to keeping magic hidden from the human world and mortals safe from those who work it. Only elves that can’t create their own spells but can manipulate others’ magic are chosen for the task. Life was perfect until she accidently sprung, then evaded, a death trap. Now she has spellbound-shifters intent on finding her and a very distracting half-elf Were investigating the destruction being left in the wake of the shifters’ pursuit.

Cart Dupree wants only to find the culprit behind the recent bridge collapse, do his job, and get back to his pack. From the start of the investigation, Mona is dogging his steps. She’s reckless, especially when she’s putting herself and other lives in danger by jumping in feet first without a thought to her safety. But’s not her actions which are getting Weres killed, it’s the madman who’s sending them after her and spelling them to find her or die trying.

Against their better judgement, Mona and Cart band together to solve the case. The only information they have about the magic user who’s sending the shifters after Mona and decimating the local Were pack, are cryptic messages from a mythical being. As each successive attempt to kill the pair comes closer to succeeding, and the death toll for shifters rises, the two race to decipher the clues before the next victims are them.

Older version:
At twenty-eight Mona’s finally fitting in after she’s chosen to be a Warder. The job fulfills her need to protect and is something few people can do, only elves who cannot create their own spells but can manipulate others magic can take on the task. Life was perfect until spellbound shifters became intent on finding her and a very distracting half-elf Were showed up to investigate the destruction being left in the wake of the shifters pursuit.

Cart Dupree wants only to find the culprit behind the recent bridge collapse, do his job, and get back to his pack. From the start of the investigation Mona is dogging his steps. She is a Warder, and he knows she is committed to keeping magic hidden, but her lack of skills and knowledge are a danger to herself and those around her. Especially when she’s putting herself and other lives in danger by jumping in feet first without a thought to her safety, never mind that no one gets hurt.

Their only information about the magic user who’s sending the shifters after Mona and decimating the local Were pack are cryptic messages from a mythical being. As each successive attempt to kill the pair comes closer to succeeding, and the death toll for shifters rises, they race to decipher the clues. Because next time the bodies might be theirs.

And the one before *that*:

Mona Kubrek couldn’t be more thrilled with her new job as a Warder – it fulfills her Elfen need to protect without exposing her embarrassing inability to create a spell of her own. She’d be having the time of her life if there weren’t shifters spellbound to capture her on her tail, and a very distracting half-elf Were investigating the destruction being left in the wake of her search for her pregnant best friend.

.

Cart Dupree wants only to find the culprit behind the recent bridge collapse, do his job, and get back to his pack. At the center of his investigation he finds Mona. Her Warder status may be there, but her lack of skills and knowledge are a danger to herself and those around her.  Her kind of untutored help is the kind he doesn’t need, not when she’s putting herself and others lives in danger by jumping in feet first in without a thought to her safety.

.

Together they must decipher cryptic messages from a mythical being to stop the magic user that’s decimating the local Were pack and stalking Mona’s best friend.  With each successive attempt to kill the pair getting closer to succeeding it’s a race to find the being behind the magic before more people die. Because the next set of dead bodies might be theirs.

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Ellie’s Unofficial #gutgaa Small Press Query H0p Submission

  1. I agree that the first paragraph about Mona is kind of confusing. Are you saying the elves can do her job but not people? It probably just needs to be rephrased, I’m new at this myself so I don’t have any good suggestions sorry :-(. And do you mean and elf werewolf hybrid? I’m kinda confused there too.

    I had to read down further to make sense of somethings in this first paragraph, but the rest looks pretty good to me! As I said I’m still learning this myself so I hope that helps.

    .

  2. I was more confused with Mona’s paragraph than Cart’s. I think you need to explain what a Warder is in Mona’s paragraph instead of Cart’s. We need to know what it is beforehand. It’s to vague and lost in that first paragraph. Also, there are some grammar mistakes. Something like this…

    At twenty-eight, Elfen Mona Kubrek is finally fitting in after nailing a new job. She’s a Warder and is committed to keeping magic hidden from the human world. Only elves who can’t create their own spells but can manipulate others’ magic can take on the task. Life was perfect until spellbound-shifters became intent on finding her ****why are they after her?****and a very distracting half-elf Were showed up to investigate the destruction being left in the wake of the shifters’ pursuit.

    Cart Dupree wants only to find the culprit behind the recent bridge collapse, do his job, and get back to his pack. From the start of the investigation, Mona is dogging his steps. She’s a reckless Warder. Her lack of skills and knowledge are a danger to herself and those around her. Especially when she’s putting herself and other lives in danger by jumping in feet first without a thought to her safety, never mind that no one gets hurt.

    Reluctantly, Mona and Cart band together to solve the case. The only information they have about the magic user who’s sending the shifters after Mona and decimating the local Were pack, are cryptic messages from a mythical being. As each successive attempt to kill the pair comes closer to succeeding, and the death toll for shifters ****are the shifters killing elves or what? Why is the death toll of shifters rising – I thought the shifters were doing the killing**** rises, the two race to decipher the clues before the next victims are them.

    ……I hope this helps. Good luck!

  3. Okay, so here I go.

    I’m a big fan of having the age in the first sentence. It immediately tells us what age we as the reader are (at least for query sake). “shifters spellbound to capture her on her tail”–is a mouthful with 2 ‘hers’ just one word apart. I had to reread it several times. I’d shorten to say “Shifters hot on her tail” or something to that affect. Remember you don’t have to give all the details–we don’t need to know they’re spellbound just yet, just that they’re after her.

    “being left in the wake of her search for her pregnant best friend.”–jumps ship and I’m thinking this can be left out as well. You open with her becoming a Warder, then jump to a preggo friend. It’s a lot of info in just a couple sentences. And it makes me wonder about the job and why it’s only mentioned once. If you bring it up in the opening sentence, then it should be something crucial throughout the query.

    “others lives in danger by jumping in feet first in without “– I would take out the ‘s’ in others to read “other lives” and also remove the second ‘in’.

    Personally, I’d cut “and stalking Mona’s best friend”–this way you can leave out any extra characters and focus on the main 2. Just mo though… I think the bff doesn’t add to the query and therefore could be left out.

    I was wondering if you could reword “With each successive attempt to kill the pair getting closer to succeeding it’s a race to find the being behind the magic before more people die.” I feel like it might be needed/ important, but it is worded oddly and I’m not sure what you’re saying here. The main part that doesn’t work is “getting closer to succeeding it’s a race”.

    Hope this helps. I do think your query is pretty solid to begin with–these are just some nit-picky things.

    Amber (Unyielding)

  4. I’m not sure that I would say it sounds generic, but it sounds kind of formal. I’m not really confident enough in my querying abilities to say more than that. Though I’ll add that the it sounds like the book will be an interesting read, and I’m very glad I’m not the only one who has issues with a query.

    • Thanks Jessica. I like a lot about it, but not sure how much of the voice of the story it carries. I would love to say it gets easier, but I find I *never* get the distance needed from my story to write a good query.

Comments are closed.